MY FAT WIFE

' Honey climb on top of me ' You see that statement,  Tufiyaaa... I swear i no go ever talk am again.  

 I had to break up with Uju because she was not doing her bedroom work well. I was the only one doing the work while she lied down like a sack of rice. I need a woman who will climb on top of me, not the one I will be sweating like a ram for. 

I was angry, Uju was fed up with my complain and so she left.

Days after she left me, I knelt down and prayed to God. I asked God to send me a rich and firefull girlfriend, a big woman , and finally a woman who will always agree to climb on top.

You see, God is a merciful God. He hears your prayers and answers them according to what you ask. After i finished that prayer, deep down in my heart I knew God had answered me. There was this blow of fresh air, this butterflies in my belly. I even picked a biro and wrote it down so that when I see the answered prayer come to pass i will know.

Months later I met Adaku. She was an answered prayer. Adaku was not that rich as i prayed for, but she was comfortable. she could dash me things for Africa. She made sure I had everything I asked for . Ever since Adaku came into my life, hunger disappeard. My six packs suddenly became a proud pot belly. Thanks to marrying a comfortable woman.

But I have a problem. Adaku is too big. She is 12 tires. She is like a 200litre Jerrycan, she looks like a mother elephant. Am tired. Am even more tired of her snoring during the night.

 I can't even walk with her on the streets without people looking at us like celebrities, some people even go to the extent of taking us pictures.

I can't enter a taxi with Adaku, every passenger at the back seat will have to come down because of fear of suffocating. Some times i have to hire and pay for the whole back seat just so we could get to our destination.

Two weeks back, I took this complain to my friend ugo , while we were seated in a bar drinking bear. He adviced me to go on dating her, considering the money she has spent on me.

' Praises breaking up with her is not an option now. Dont break her heart, that woman loves you. See she can die for you. Just marry her. ' Ugo my friend advised.

' But Ugo you know I can't marry her. She snores like a lion during the night. '

' My brother that is because she loves you. My brother if your girlfriend does not snore forget her. That woman loves you and she will stop with time '

' Ugo stop it, you are just trying to make me happy. '

' Look praises, you don chop cassava? '

' No na. We are just one month in  our relationship now o, Its too early na. '

'So you don't even know if she is Good on bed? '

' No I don't. Not yet. ' I replied.

' Praises you are a monkey! ' Ugo explaimed. See I want you to go back home, and make sweet love to her. Show her you are the man of the house. Let her climb on you just the way you have always wanted it. Allow her to do the work. When she is tired, she will sleep and would be too weak to even snore . '

' Eheen, you sure? ' I asked.

' ah ah... You don forget say I dated fat Busayo during school days? That was what i used to stop her snoring o. '

Brothers and sisters fear friends and there advice.

Pronto. I stood up, happy to have gotten the solution to one problem. Adaku fatness will be solved later. I thought to myself. I ran home like  a dog. 

Like a criminal , i Pushed my door open, heading straight for my bedroom. I pounced on Adaku kissing her like a hungry idiot. Adaku lifted me up like a baby and landed me on the bed. ( I was even ashamed of myself.)

 She climbed on me like a cow boy will climb a horse and I didn't even ask for it. How did she know that was what I have always wanted? 

(God answers prayers o.)💃💃💃

Her Cutlass began cutting my cassava, while i lied down like an idiot waiting for her to get tired. 

After twenty minuites of Adaku cutting cassava, she fell facefront on top of me. I was practically carrying the weight of seven bags of  cement on my body.

' Hello.... Adaku ... hello ... Adaku stand up from my body. Adaku . Wake up don't sleep on top of me. Adaku please now. Ada , Ada baby. Adaaaaaaaa, Ada you are pressing my cassava, you know you are fat . '

God I asked you for a big woman yes I know, but i meant a big woman that works in an office. Like a CEO of a company , and not seven bags of cement in human form.

God: Be specific next time. Big woman is Big woman, leave me alone .

Okay Am praises Obiora, and am still the best at what I do.